9 weeks pregnant after PPDA

(I am actually 16 weeks pregnant now and feeling much better physically. Am I still apprehensive about the postpartum period? I’d be an idiot not to be. I think this pregnancy is about not having any expectations and planning for a postpartum mood disorder. Is there joy? Yes. I already love this baby. I already love Mae’s pride in being a big sister. Last week, she sat against my belly and said she was “tickling the baby.”

But imagine that your last pregnancy took you to a terrifying place. I am, of course, braced to enter that place again.)

7 weeks ago:

I’m still in the first trimester. I can’t tell any of you. Well, I’ve told a few of you, but mainly this pregnancy is my secret. We haven’t even told Mae yet.

And I don’t really want to talk much about this pregnancy yet. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around it, and I can barely do that because I am SOOOOOOO tired. It turns out pregnancy has brought back my hypothyroidism that happened postpartum with Mae. In retrospect, I think my thyroid may have caused some of my mood issues then. So I began taking the medicine two days ago, and I’m just praying to feel better.

But all of this–the fatigue, the inability to have a clear thought, the inability to eat–is bringing back how out of control I felt postpartum. I feel as if I’ve given up my body again, and I don’t know when I’ll get it back. PTSD is too strong of a phrase for what I’m feeling, but I don’t feel good. I’ve had the thought “Have I made a terrible mistake?” And then I feel guilty for having that thought, and then I feel guilty for what a crappy mom I’ve had to be over the past few months because I just have NO energy. I can barely get through the day.

I guess this is to say that this part has been so hard. I know it will pass. I know that. I know that the first trimester and the fourth (newborn phase) are the absolute hardest for me. But damn it, I’m tired.

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