I’m Never Alone

and it’s wonderful and annoying.

When you’re pregnant, you’re never alone, ever. The baby is there, present, and at a certain point, listening to you.

This means I no longer talk to just myself. I’m also talking to the baby, in a way. Isn’t that weird?

When I wake up in the morning, I look down and there is baby. When I go to tie my shoes, I struggle around baby. When someone erupts in laughter, baby jumps. We react together and separately, but we are always together.

I know that this is preparing me for motherhood when privacy and alone time diminish. If you know me very well, you know I like my alone time. I can sit by myself at a restaurant or a movie without any issue. I didn’t even realize this bothered other people until someone told me. I don’t “get” not wanting to be alone. It’s great!

I’m also surrounded by people all day, every day. I manage and interact with classrooms full of people every day. This might be why I like alone time, but I think I always have. Even when I was little, I liked to sit and read. I always had lots of friends and was very social, but I also needed time to decompress. I’m right on the line between introvert and extrovert, which is why pregnancy both delights and annoys me. Sometimes I want to detach myself from baby. I want to go running! And not worry about my heart rate. I want to drink a caramel latte and not look up the amount of caffeine. I want to say “motherfucker” without any guilt (well, I probably do).

But I also love the baby’s presence. We went to a Colin Meloy concert a few weeks ago, and the baby responded along with the audience’s applause. It was kind of amazing. I like just sitting in my office, writing, the sun coming through the windows and whispering “I love you, baby” amongst the chaos of a Monday. I love my belly’s roundness and watching the baby’s growth. I’m in awe of it all, as well as terrified.

I guess what I’m saying is: I am already beginning to understand the contradictions and conflicts of motherhood. I both love having my child with me all the time and miss my freedom. I both delight in my roundness and want to wear skinny jeans again. I both can’t wait to hold my baby and want more time to prepare.

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One thought on “I’m Never Alone

  1. Megan, you and Jimmy will be terrific parents! And the little one will be so lucky to learn language and love from both of you. One thing I enjoyed doing with Nathan was simply talking to him (post utero here) and telling him the names of things from a very early age. I think that is one reason he seemed to pick up speech quickly. We think about you every day.

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