Honoring New Mothers

My sister has a four-month-old baby boy and a two-year-old daughter. When I go to visit her, my time is filled with joy, but I feel like it’s midnight at 8 PM. I am in awe of her and her husband. Her days are full of breastfeeding, rocking a baby to sleep, and keeping the alertness that a two-year-old requires, which in itself is enough to make you feel like you’ve visited an amusement park for seven hours in the summer heat all day.

But she delights in her babies. Coos at her sweet boy. Sings the praises of breastfeeding even though she is working full-time and pumping and doing that balancing act.

I know she isn’t very different from most new mothers, but it’s amazing and new to me. I’ve never known someone so intimately and watched their transformation into motherhood before. My sister is still my sister, yet she is a completely new being with more patience and love than ever before; all the good parts have been enhanced. And I know this didn’t happen magically because patients must grow when you’re up every two hours for months, but there is a magic to it, this shift in her.

So today I am thankful for my sister and new mothers. You inspire me.

New Favorite Things

1. This Tumblr that shines a light on areas and professions where women are unequally represented: http://100percentmen.tumblr.com/

With very few words, this blog proves a point I have to so often try and make with many words.

2. Julia Child’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe and just baking in general. Baking gives me that similar feeling of creating something out of nothing that writing does. Cookies also taste really good. I added a tablespoon of peanut butter to this recipe last night for a hint of that flavor. Peanut butter and chocolate are soul mates if you ask me.

3. Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap. It is an exhilarating way to wake up each morning: tingles your body and wakes up your mind. You’ve really just got to try it. I get excited each time I walk toward the shower, knowing it’s there, but I am easily amused. I also love Dr. Bronner’s motto: “All One.”

4. My denim jacket from Kohl’s. I just love, love it. It’s the perfect item for spring, especially to warm up a summer dress. Something about a denim jacket makes me feel like I’m in Footloose or Grease.

5. Fit Flops! My feet, which are thirty years old, have done a 60-mile walk for breast cancer, and have just begun running, need more support than flimsy flip flops can offer. Fit Flops are a little more expensive, but they are CUTE and extremely comfortable. My sister bought me a brown pair, and I had to buy myself some black ones because I would only wear brown outfits, so I could wear my Fit Flops. I don’t think I can ever go back to anything else.

What new things are you just loving lately?

No, I’m not pregant. Stop asking.

Disclaimer: I loooove babies and children. If you bring a baby to my house, I will hold it before you get inside the front door. I love my nieces and nephews and all my friends’ babes. They bring me massive amounts of joy. That’s not what this post is about, I promise.

At the age of thirty, I get asked more often in a bar if I have kids than if I have my ID. Everyone from my hair stylist to my students wants to know when I’m having babies. I don’t think men in my age group feel this pressure, but it is palpable for me. Here’s how the conversation often goes:

“Do you have kids?”
(Many women are hoping I say yes because this is what they want to talk about)

“Nope.”

“How old are you?”

“Thirty.”

Awkward silence ensues when they are thinking about if I am gay, infertile, or one of those “strange” women who just doesn’t want kids.

I used to answer “Not yet” to put them at ease, but I think they deserve to feel uncomfortable now. Their questions suggest that all women must have children and that there is a certain age when not having children is strange. Their silence tells me they don’t have much else to talk about.

As long as I am able, I will have children. I want them very much. But here are three things I won’t ever do:

1. Ask strangers or acquaintances about when and if they are having children. If you are my nearest and dearest, that’s fine. I’m an open book to my close friends and family. They also know me well enough to know no amount of pressuring could change my mind when it’s set. However, if you barely know me, don’t put your preconceived notions about what it means to be a woman on me. No thank you.

2. Be the type of woman who can only relate to other women in terms of children. While I believe motherhood is absolutely beautiful and I’ve seen how it’s enhanced my sister’s and friends’ lives and capacity for love, it’s not the only thing women are made for. We are so much more than our children. We are wives, daughters, sisters, readers, business owners, writers, movers, and shakers.

I’m just going to say it: Women who only talk about their children bore me. Women who only post photos of their children with big bows on their heads bore me. You can think I’m mean or that I don’t understand because I don’t have kids, and maybe I don’t and maybe I’ll become just as boring, but for real, y’all, it’s boring.

3. Tell and re-tell my horrific birthing story, again and again. The first time alone scared the shit out of me, lady. I thought you were clamoring for me to have a baby? I don’t want anything to do with birth after that slow-mo account of your 44-hour labor. I’m exhausted and I’m not even pregnant yet.

I know children will change me in ways I can’t predict or imagine, but I also know who I am, fully and totally, while at the same time, I allow myself to grow.

I want a woman to show and tell me who she is, not just what her child’s bathroom habits are. I want to know about her children but also her favorite band and books. I want women to still “contain multitudes.” I know many wonderful women like this. One of the greatest gifts my mom gave — and still gives to me — is being her own person. My mom put me first throughout my childhood, but she also developed and changed throughout my life. She went from following traditional Christianity to a more open spiritual path, she took up kayaking in her fifties, she met a sweetheart later in life, she says NO when she needs to, she’s mother and friend to many beyond our immediate family, she just became a beekeeper. She didn’t stop growing, ever. She’s retiring at the end of May and has bought new land to build on. I can’t wait to see what she will create there. Beauty, no doubt.

There are times when I don’t want to share her, but I also deeply respect her for all the multiple facets and people in her life. If she was only my mother, and that was her total identity, I can’t imagine her being the full, happy person she is. I’m so glad she has so much more than just me. The extras that she has and does have taught me just as much as what she did for me directly. Maybe more.

This isn’t to say there isn’t a real benefit from mothers sharing their stories, triumphs, and worries with other mothers. I hope I will have that kind of support and guidance. I’m so thankful for the advice that I’ve already ASKED for. Like anything in life, balance is best. I mean, I’d take a 90/10 kids-to-other-topics ratio when it comes to conversations. Think about it this way: if all a person does is talk about their kids with someone who doesn’t have kids, isn’t the conversation completely one-sided?

Okay, I’m done. Consider me vented.

See? I love them, I swear.

Weight Loss: What Worked for Me

Between January 1st and April 1st of this year, I lost twenty pounds. I didn’t take any diet pills or a toxic cleanse or eat grapefruit every day. I ate less and I moved a lot more. However, I will let you in on the details of what worked for me:

1. Failure. Seriously, all the times I failed at losing weight helped me. I learned what didn’t work. I needed those failures. They helped me have a strategic plan this time around. It’s the same thing I say to my students. Some of them need to take my class twice. It’s necessary due to the skills they arrived with. Failure helped me.

2. Positive and Negative Reinforcement. I entered into two weight loss challenges during these months. One was with my husband, and the consequences were negative– if I lost the least body weight percentage, I’d have to watch and attend any sporting events of his choosing for six months. He’d have to become a vegetarian for six months. (I won!) The other challenge was at my gym, and there were rewards (positive reinforcement) for the top three winners– cash, a pedicure, free training sessions, etc.

You could set this kind of system up for yourself as well. At different points during the three months, I needed both positive rewards and negative consequences to motivate me. You could say if you lose weight, then you treat yourself to a weekend getaway. If you gain weight, then you have to donate money to a charity that you don’t believe in. Whatever would motivate you.

All my friends at OPT-Fitness in Fuquay Varina.

3. Support and Accountability. I found support through the women at my gym, my family members, and friends. Make your goals known to those around you. Saying out loud to your nearest and dearest “I am going to lose ___ pounds” makes shit real. However, I also found support online through MyFitness Pal, an app that allows you to record your daily calories. You can have “friends” on this app, much like Facebook, and you keep up with each other’s progress, so if I don’t log in for three days, my friends will see that. We gave each other little pushes. This virtual community really kept me accountable

4. Write it DOWN! MyFitness Pal also relates to what really helped me succeed this time around. I recorded everything I ate through their system, which is really easy to use, and I always knew how I was doing. On the ride home from work as I brainstormed what was for dinner, I also had the knowledge that I only had 500 calories left for dinner. I am still recording through this app, but I have done it enough that now I have a rough idea of my calorie intake without recording it. This is my #1 recommendation: write it down!

4. Make Specific Goals and Make Them Seen. I learned a long time ago that I needed specific goals and deadlines to accomplish anything. I set the specific timeline and specific weight I wanted to lose. I wrote these down on all my calendars and sticky notes. I wrote a list of why I wanted to lost weight on the notes function on my laptop and I saw it every day. Be specific. Write down a goal and a specific date when you want to reach that goal. I mean down to the day. My next goal is to run my first 5K on June 1st. There, I said it! Hold me accountable.

As a disclaimer, I also don’t think that anyone needs to lose weight. I wasn’t happy with my weight, so I wanted to do this. I don’t think anyone needs to be skinny or live up to society’s ideas of what is beautiful. Be happy with yourself. But, if you want to lose weight, for your health or another reason, I wish you the best. I hope you find what works for you, and add to my list below in the comments.

Poetry Assignment

April is National Poetry Month, so here is a little exercise for you. My class and I came up with this one together. We decided to write a poem on the topic of womanhood. We had to use at least four adjectives from a list of words we stole from other poems, and it had to be six lines long.

This is one of my favorite ways to write poems, by giving myself my own form. By giving yourself restrictions, you almost always create something surprising. You are having to work outside of your normal “tools.”

6 lines

4 adjectives from this list: small, phenomenal, silver, sharp, golden, everlasting, warm, unique, delicate, mysterious, astonishing, queer, or exhausted.

Theme: womanhood

Go!

It’s Spring!

Some signs that spring has arrived around here:
Citrus mint! I can’t wait to put this in a cold glass of water.

Tomato and eggplant seedlings for our first vegetable garden. If this goes well, there’s talk of getting chickens…

And the universal sign of spring: daffodils. Don’t they bring back a childhood memory for you? I can see all of my neighbors’ yards full of daffodils.

Ode to Eggplant

If 2012 was the year of sweet potatoes, 2013 is the year of eggplant. I’ve always liked it, and we’ve used it some, but now we use it at least once a week, often more.

First off, let’s just praise eggplant for his beautiful, rich purple color. I’ll paraphrase Alice Walker’s The Color Purple and say, I think it pisses off God when you don’t stop and admire a purple eggplant.

We like to use eggplant in Indian dishes. Eggplant doesn’t get watery like zucchini or squash. It’s a meaty, strong vegetable and holds up nicely in Indian sauces, like Korma and Masala.

Our new favorite dish, Jimmy loves it, is eggplant pizza. The eggplant is thinly sliced and then grilled. We actually “grilled” it using our sandwich press this week, and it worked perfectly. The slices of eggplant are your “crust,” and you add whatever sauce and toppings you want. Then back for a few minutes in the oven until your cheese melts. Ah-mazing and loooooow calorie.

I just tried Eggplant Florentine for the first time last night at Anna’s in Fuquay Varina. My apologies to the universe for having waited so long to enjoy this mastery of eggplant. Sliced eggplant, breaded, and then wrapped around spinach and ricotta. It’s sinful and delicious and better for you than the baked ziti.

 

This year we are going to grow eggplant in our garden. One little seedling has shown its head this week!

And for those who care, eggplant has some pretty impressive health benefits: high in fiber and a brain food!

Oh and the question we’ve all been wanting to ask, why do they call it an eggplant?

“The name of eggplant was given it by Europeans in the middle of the eighteenth century because the variety they knew had fruits that were the shape and size of goose eggs. That variety also had fruits that are a whitish or yellowish colour rather than the wine purple that is more familiar to us nowadays. So the sort they knew really did look as though it had fruits like eggs.”

And if you thought you understood the eggplant, I’ll leave you with this shocker: technically it’s a fruit. What?!